ellerkay: (Supernatural)
[personal profile] ellerkay
[See masterlist for ratings, warnings, wordcount, etc.]

“Go on, Sam,” Lucifer said placidly. He was perched, as ever, on the table a few feet from Sam’s bed. There was a venomous snake curled around his forearm, and he smiled at it. “Once Dean gets you out of here, it’d be so easy. Just a quick shot to the temple! You certainly know how to handle a gun. No pain; instant death. And all this will be over. I mean, isn’t the grave starting to sound awfully warm and comfortable, comparatively?”

Sam was sitting on the hospital bed, long legs stretched out in front of him. His eyes were red, his face pale and drawn.

“Anything to shut you up,” he said wearily.

Lucifer started at the response, putting the snake down and looking at Sam intently. “Sam! Buddy! It’s good to hear your voice again. And you’re considering my idea! This calls for a celebration.” A bottle of champagne appeared in his hands, and he popped the cork. The loud noise made Sam twitch. He looked at Lucifer.

“I don’t get you, man,” he said, in the same near-monotone. “What’s with the deathwish?”

“Sam, Sam, it would just be so funny! All these years, how far you’ve come, what you went through – and then you just paint the wall with your brains. Or bleed out in a motel bathtub, or – I don’t know, whatever. Ladies’ choice.”

Sam’s eyebrows drew together, in what would have been a puzzled frown, if he’d had the energy to make one. “I’m not talking about my deathwish. I’m talking about yours.”

Lucifer raised an eyebrow. “Mine?”

“Well, yeah,” Sam said.

Lucifer kept staring at him, the forgotten champagne bottle bubbling over in his hands.

“I mean, if I kill myself, that’s the end of you, right? You’re not Lucifer – not really. Just a…a sort of simulacrum of him, collected from my memories from the Cage and from being his vessel. If I go, you go.”

Lucifer frowned darkly. He put the champagne down and got up, pacing a few steps without answering.

Sam’s eyes widened and he leaned forward a little. “Don’t tell me you never thought of that?”

“Of course I thought of that,” Lucifer snapped. “It doesn’t matter if I die. I’m not real. There isn’t anything here that can die.”

“I mean, you’re not real,” Sam agreed. “But you’re not exactly…all the way not real.”

“Ooh, Stanford must really miss your eloquence, Sammy.”

“It’s just that…” Sam struggled to articulate his point. “You have thoughts, right? And memories, and goals – well, one goal – and I can’t control you, and you act like you think you’re real, anyway.” He slumped back against the headboard again, exhausted from the effort of putting this together.

Lucifer looked at him for a long moment.

“I think,” he said, very quietly, “that I’m going to have to consider going about this a different way.” He bounded over to the bed. “Okay, lie down. It’s time for you to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, right,” said Sam, who had heard this one before. A couple times he’d been desperate enough to believe it, only to be woken up seconds later by the sound of a car alarm going off inside his brain, or to find spiders crawling over every inch of his skin.

“No, no, I mean it,” Lucifer said. He raised his right hand like he was taking a pledge. “If I lie, may Heaven strike me down. Again.”

Sam glared at him.

“Come on, Sammy,” Lucifer insisted. “All right, look, I admit it – maybe I didn’t think this one all the way through.” He shrugged. “Sue me! When I find a purpose, I sometimes get a little bit obsessed. It’s one of my few flaws.” Sam rolled his eyes. “Sam! Come on. I don’t want to die. I like me too much. So, I don’t want you to die, either.”

Finally, Sam began to move, lying down slowly, still watching Lucifer with suspicious eyes. When he was all the way down, Lucifer beamed.

“There we go! Nice and cozy. A good night’s sleep will do wonders. No organ failure for you!”

Sam shut his eyes. Within seconds, he was asleep.


He awoke with a gasp, sweat pouring down his face. He had dreamed about Lucifer, who had turned into a clown and –

The clown was still there. Sam clenched his hands into fists, feeling his ragged nails cut his palms open.

“Not real, not real, not real,” he chanted. The clown raised a knife, and then abruptly morphed into a smirking Lucifer. Sam flopped down again, heart pounding.

“Good morning, sunshine!” Lucifer shouted, jumping onto the bed and standing over Sam. “Pleasant dreams?”

Sam looked out the window at the night sky and bit back a groan. “I thought you were going to let me sleep,” he said.

“I did!” Lucifer said. “Four whole hours. That’s an entire sleep cycle, you know. That should keep you from dying for awhile.” He crouched down to peer into Sam’s weary face. “Don’t worry, I’ll let you sleep more, later. I just don’t want to miss out on this quality time we have locked in together! You know big brother will spring you soon, especially once he finds out you’re sleeping again.”

Sam rolled onto his side and covered his face with a pillow. Lucifer began tapping him on the shoulder.

“Sam? Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam! Sam! SAM!”

“WHAT?” Sam shouted, rolling over again.

Lucifer smiled at him with what almost, to Sam’s deranged mind, appeared to be affection. He patted Sam’s hair gently and then jumped down off the bed.

“You know what’s going to be interesting,” Lucifer said, “is figuring out how to keep life just good enough that you won’t kill yourself, but miserable enough to still be fun for me. There’s going to have to be a balance, you know? If you can’t save anyone ever again, well, you’ll put on those puppy dog eyes and wonder what it’s all for. But if I can just mess up a crucial hunt now and then – keep you doing good more often than failing, but making mistakes when you can’t afford to…And then, what about girls? I don’t think I’m going to let you have a girlfriend again – you know you shouldn’t anyway, because your girlfriends have a tendency to crash and burn, so to speak – but you’ll probably want to get laid every now and then, or what’s the point, right? That’s a pretty big thing for humans, huh, Sam?”

Sam had squeezed his eyes shut. Lucifer snapped his fingers over Sam’s face and Sam’s eyes flew open.

“Hey! I’m talking to you. I told you, this is our special time. Anyway, as I was saying, I figure that if I can keep you alive till you reach a ripe old age and you die in bed with my face the last thing you see, that’ll be a life well lived. Don’t you think?”

Sam put the pillow over his face again.


“Wake up,” someone was saying. “Damn it, Sam, wake up. Where’s this guy taking us?”

Sam blinked into some semblance of consciousness. He was being wheeled down a hallway, and then into a brightly lit room. Lucifer was keeping pace with Marcus, the nurse pushing the gurney.

“About time,” Lucifer muttered.

“Where…where are we?” Sam asked.

“Electroshock therapy,” Marcus replied. He kept talking, but Sam was having trouble following the words. He tried to say something about Dean, but Marcus put something in his mouth and told him to bite down.

“Ordinarily, they keep this thing set on low,” Marcus said, as he got Sam set up. Lucifer was pacing around, getting increasingly agitated.

“Maybe it’ll help,” Sam said to him, feeling delirious. “Not that you’d care, but in the interest of me not dying – and who knows what would happen to you if I had a total mental breakdown –”

“Listen to him, you idiot,” Lucifer said. “He’s threatening you.”

They looked back at Marcus just in time to see the nurse’s eyes flip black.

“Oh no you don’t!” Lucifer shouted. “You work for me! I’m your king!”

“He can’t hear you, dumbass,” Sam said wearily. “And even if he could, you’re not the real Lucifer, so –”

Marcus flipped on the machine, and Sam’s body spasmed in pain. Marcus laughed.


“Amazing. You just take those licks, don’t you, kid?” Marcus said, some time later.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Please. He was in the Cage with me – well, with not-me, but you know what I mean – for a year and a half. You think anything you can dole out can even begin to touch what I did to him, you little pissant?”

Castiel appeared suddenly, and Lucifer raised an eyebrow. “Hello, brother,” he said. “Huh. Well, if you’re here, Sam’s probably out of immediate mortal danger. I guess I can have some more fun.”

“I never should have broken your wall, Sam,” Castiel said. “I’m here to make it right.” He touched Sam’s head.

“Ha, nice try,” Lucifer snorted. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” Sam was opening his eyes. “Oh, good, you’re lucid. Time for a quick game of ‘Who Am I Now?’”

He superimposed himself over Castiel, so Sam only saw him. Sam sighed. “Forget what I said before,” he said. “You’re not real.”

“Sammy, why must you try and hurt me that way?” Lucifer smirked. “And as the data clearly demonstrate, I’m real enough.”

Sam turned his head away.


“Now, you see, that third little pig was smart,” Lucifer said. “Went out and got some bricks.”

Sam stared at the ceiling, and Lucifer shut his book.

“Oh, would you cheer up?” he said. “It’s no fun when you mope and ignore me. Hey, your big brother’s here! Isn’t that exciting?”

“Where?” Sam said, eyes still fixed on the ceiling.

“Right there.” Lucifer pointed to where Dean and Castiel were standing. Sam looked up cautiously, but all he saw was two more Lucifers. He gave a soft groan.

“Relax, you can see him soon,” Lucifer said. “I’m just having a little last-minute fun with you.” He looked around the room and sighed wistfully. “I’m going to miss this place. I feel like we’ve really connected here.”

He glanced back at Dean and Castiel and realized the latter was coming towards the bed.

“Still trying to help, little brother?” Lucifer laughed. “You should dress the part.” He put an old-fashioned doctor’s head mirror on the image of himself he’d imposed over Castiel. Sam stared at Castiel, looking terrified.

Castiel’s hand was pressed to Sam’s head and Lucifer felt something shift. The world was turning a glowing orange-red.

“Whoa, whoa, hold on there, cowboy,” Lucifer said. “What do you think you’re – “

The light flared even brighter; Sam’s body convulsed. When his vision cleared, he could see Castiel on the bed near him, and Dean hurrying to his side.

“Sam?” he was saying.

“Dean!” Sam said gratefully.


Sam stared out the window as he and Dean drove away from the hospital. Dean glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“So, you’re all good, then?” he asked.

Sam huffed a little laugh. “Yeah, Dean, I’m fine, as far as I can tell. Just like the first fifty times you asked me.”

“Sorry, man, it’s just…Seeing Lucifer, that’s some serious shit. Especially for you; I mean, Lucifer made you his bitch once already.”

Sam winced, thinking, More than once. It was strange, and a welcome relief, not to have Lucifer making snide comments into his head anymore. He would’ve had a field day with that one.

“So, you’re not seeing him at all anymore? Not even a little?”

“Not even a little,” Sam confirmed.

“The quiet must be nice.”

“Believe me, Dean, you have no idea.”


Crowley snapped his fingers, and Kevin and the demons disappeared.

“You got what you wanted,” Crowley said. “Dick’s dead; saved the world. So I want one little prophet. Sorry, moose. Wish I could help. You certainly got a lot on your plate right now. It looks like you are well and truly on your own.”

He disappeared. Sam looked around the empty room, eyes wide, chest heaving. Alone. Yes. Meg was gone. Kevin was gone. Castiel was gone. Bobby was long gone. Dean was –

Sam clenched his hands into fists and fought the urge to throw up. Well and truly alone. It had never been like this. Even when he had set off for Stanford – on his own for the first time – he had always known Dean was there if he needed him, and even his father, but now – now –

“Hey, take it easy there, champ,” said a mocking voice from behind him. “You’ve always got me.”

Sam turned around; slowly, willing it not to be true. Lucifer stood a few feet away, arms crossed over his chest, smirking.

“No!” Sam shouted aloud, then caught himself, not wanting to alert any stray Leviathan to his presence when he was in the middle of a near panic attack.

“No, this isn’t real,” he said, so only Lucifer could hear him. “You’re not real.”

“Oh, let’s please not do the real-not-real dance again.”

“You’re gone!” Sam said. “Castiel made you go away!”

“I never left,” Lucifer said. “You just weren’t seeing me.”

“No,” Sam said, shaking his head. “No, no, no. This isn’t happening.” Instinctively, he grabbed his left hand and pressed into the old scar.

“Sam, come on! Don’t be like that,” Lucifer whined. Sam pressed harder, and Lucifer flickered and disappeared. Sam gasped with surprise and relief. It had worked. Lucifer was gone – and Sam was alone again.


He sat in the driver’s seat of the Impala, hands shaking as he tried to hotwire the car. Dean had disappeared with the keys in his pocket. Or did Meg still have them? It didn’t matter. They were both gone. They were all gone.

The engine started, and Sam peeled out, tears stinging his eyes. The car roared down the road. Wind blew in through the smashed window, making his eyes stream more.

Go back to the cabin. There was an extra set of keys there. He could get the car fixed. Dean wouldn’t want him to drive her around with the window broken. And he could go through Bobby’s books, try and see if he could – if –

“Fuck!” he screamed, hitting the steering wheel with his palm.

“Would you slow down?” Lucifer snapped. He was in the passenger seat. “And put on your seatbelt.”

Sam ignored him, gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white.

“You’re driving like a maniac!” Lucifer shouted. “You’re all over the road! Are you trying to kill us? Pull over!”

Sam jerked the wheel to the right, hard, and slammed on the brakes as soon as he was off the road. The tires squealed as they came to a stop. He collapsed forward, folding his arms on the steering wheel and burying his head in them.

“No wonder Dean never lets you drive,” Lucifer said.

Sam didn’t answer. After a moment, Lucifer sighed and put his feet up on the dashboard.

“Go ahead, take a minute,” he said, with a long-suffering air. “Calm down. That’s it. You don’t want to drive when you’re upset. That’s how accidents happen.”

A choked sob came from Sam. Lucifer glanced at him and rolled his eyes.

“Come on, Sammy,” he said soothingly. “Stop being such a whiny little bitch.”

Sam sat up, wiping at his eyes. “Fuck you,” he muttered.

“That’s the spirit! Although, as I recall, it was mostly me who – “

Sam’s fingers hovered near his hand scar. Lucifer held up his hands.

“All right, all right! Geez, aren’t we feeling sensitive.”

Sam breathed deeply a few times.

“Why does that work again?” he asked.

Lucifer shrugged. “I guess Castiel fixed you up. Just not quite as much as you’d hoped.” He scowled. “I can’t believe he tried to wipe me out of existence. Good thing I’m not the type to hold a grudge.”

A trace of a smile appeared on Sam’s face. Lucifer looked at him closely.

“So. Are we off then, buddy?”

The smile disappeared. “I’m not your buddy,” Sam said, not looking at him. “I don’t have any friends.”

Lucifer huffed. “Oh, well, excuse me,” he said. “I guess I should just let you sit here and brood about how sad your pathetic little life is. And cry. Alone.” He disappeared. Sam glared, but there was nothing at which to aim the expression, so after a moment, he took a deep breath, put his seatbelt on, and drove off again.


The next day, Lucifer appeared around noon. Sam was still driving.

“What do you want?” he asked wearily. His eyes were bloodshot, and there were deep circles under them.

“You looked lonely,” Lucifer said, with a charming and only slightly psychotic grin. “I thought you might want a road trip companion. Shall we play car games?”

Sam was silent.

“I notice we’ve been driving all night,” Lucifer prodded him.

“Not we. Me.”

“You could let me take over for a little,” Lucifer suggested. Sam raised an eyebrow at him. “I promise: no office buildings. And especially no office buildings that are actually abandoned warehouses.”

“I don’t think so,” Sam said.

“Hmm, that was surprisingly non-combative,” Lucifer said. “I guess you are lonely.” Sam tightened his jaw but didn’t reply.

“So!” Lucifer said, after a moment. “Where are we going?”


“The cabin?”

“No, his house.”

“You mean the one that burned to the ground?”

“I just need the salvage yard. And some tools. The fire didn’t get that much of the garage, so I should be able to find what I’m looking for.”

Lucifer snorted. “You’re going to fix the car?”

“Yeah, I am,” Sam said. “Problem?”

“No, no problem,” Lucifer said. “Just don’t blame me if Dean has a heart attack when he sees whatever you end up doing to his baby. You know, I’ve always gotten the sense he loves this car more than he loves you. Don’t you think?”

Sam looked away.

“This conversation would be easier if you would participate a little more fully, Sam.”

“This conversation would be easier if you would stop being such a dick.”

Lucifer smirked a little. “Fine. So, what – fix up the car, then head back to the cabin and hit the books?”

Sam was silent, staring straight ahead at the road. Lucifer waved a hand in front of his face.

“Hello? Come on, Sam, that was perfectly civil. Don’t be an asshole.”

“I’m not going to hit the books.”

“Okay.” Lucifer sounded bored. “Try Bobby’s contacts? What?”

Sam’s eyes were bright, and when he spoke, his voice was thick. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. Where do I even start, you know? Dean could be anywhere. He could be dead.”

“He’s in Purgatory,” Lucifer said confidently. Sam blinked at him.


“Purgatory. Where do you think Levithan go when they die? It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. But then, you can be impressively stupid sometimes.”

“Why would Dean be in Purgatory?”

Lucifer shrugged. “Pulled along in Dick’s wake.”

Sam was shaking his head, a little frantically. “Even if you’re right – and who knows, cause you’re a voice in my head – even if you’re right…what am I going do about it? I mean, it took Crowley and Castiel two whole years to figure out how to make a tiny hole into Purgatory, just big enough to get the souls out. And they had all the resources of Heaven and Hell at their disposal. And if you’re wrong and he’s not in Purgatory...how could I possibly find him? It’s a needle in a haystack. And I’ve got nothing, and no one.”

“Well, Sam, you know I’m always a fan of your existential despair,” Lucifer said. “But let’s not get too heavy here, okay? I mean, this isn’t the sort of thing where you get yourself turned into a vampire and then decapitated so you can join your big brother, right?”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he muttered.

“Sam, seriously, if you’re going to be depressed, I’d rather be the cause of it. Hey, what if I told you your life is all a hallucination again?”

Sam glared at him. “It’s not going to work. I know you’re something my brain made up because I couldn’t handle the memories of Hell.”

“I’m just saying, it’s possible. I mean, it’d get funnier and funnier the more times I made you think you were finally rid of me. And hey, here’s a happy thought for you – if you’re still stuck in the Cage, then Dean’s on Earth, safe and sound with his little family. Say, do you think he’d still be with them if you’d never come back?”

Sam jammed his thumb into the hand scar, and Lucifer disappeared. Sam floored the gas pedal, a surge of anger clearing his head and chasing his exhaustion away as the Impala shot forward.


“You’ve waxed that thing three times,” Lucifer said. “It’s shiny, already.”

Sam ignored him, continuing to rub the car with a soft cloth.

“And it’s been days since you showered. Sam, you stink.”

“Shut up,” Sam said.

“Go to McDonald’s, and get a motel room. Or use the facilities at the Y or something. I’m sick of your B.O. Seriously, this is how you take care of yourself? I can see why Dean never trusted you to do it.”

Sam threw the cloth down and sat on the ground, his back against one of the car’s rear wheels.

“I’m not hungry,” he said. His stomach rumbled loudly. Lucifer raised an eyebrow, but didn’t comment.

Sam stared bleakly across Singer’s Salvage Yard. The burned-out ruin of the house was in plain sight, and he heaved a sigh as he looked at it. Lucifer squatted down next to him.

“Missing your surrogate daddy?” he asked. “Hey, do you think he liked Dean better? Cause I always kind of got that impression.”

“Fuck off,” Sam said softly. Lucifer glanced at Sam’s hands, but they were still, resting on his thighs.

“What the hell are you doing hanging around this place, you idiot?” Lucifer demanded. “It’s just making you more emo, which I really didn’t think was possible after the way you were on the drive here. The car’s fixed; let’s go somewhere. I was stuck in the Cage for millennia. I want to see something.”

“Where am I supposed to go?” Sam said, sounding more like he was talking to himself than to Lucifer.

Lucifer threw up his hands. “Wherever! Anywhere! I’m just sick and tired of this craphole.”

He stood up. Sam remained where he was, and Lucifer nudged Sam’s leg hard with his foot, holding back just enough so it wasn’t a kick.

“Come on.”

After a moment, Sam climbed slowly to his feet and got into the driver’s seat. He turned on the Impala’s engine and listened to the familiar rumble of it for a moment.

“McDonald’s,” Lucifer reminded him, as they started out of the salvage yard.

“Yeah, yeah,” Sam grumbled.

“And a shower. I’m not taking a road trip with you smelling like this.”

“We’re not taking a road trip.”

“Maybe you’re not.” Lucifer rolled down his window and stuck his feet out, leaning back with his hands behind his head.


They were driving through Texas; aimlessly, as the whole trip had been aimless. Sam had been going for almost twenty-four hours, with minimal stops. Lucifer was looking out the window, chin resting on his hand.

“What’s Purgatory like?” Sam asked in a low voice. It was the first time he’d spoken in hours.

“It’s a shithole,” Lucifer replied, conversationally.

And suddenly Sam was crying noisily. Lucifer let his head flop back against the headrest.

“Jesus, what now?” he asked irritably.

“It’s just – Dean – Bobby – Cas,” Sam gasped out, between sobs. “I don’t know what to do!”

“Oh, relax, would you?” Lucifer groaned. “They’ll be fine. Well, not Bobby, he’s long gone. And as for my little brother, who knows. But I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to save your brother.”

“Where do I start – I can’t – I don’t – there’s no –“ Sam stuttered.

“Look, if you don’t want to do it, I’m sure he’ll manage it on his own,” Lucifer said, in long-suffering tones. “From what I can tell, you Winchesters couldn’t die if you tried. There’ll be some pater ex macchina or other and he’ll pop right out, good as new. I use the term relatively, of course. You two don’t have issues, you have a subscription.”

Sam’s only response was to cry harder.

“Sam, watch the road,” Lucifer snapped. “You’re six and a half feet of stupid, did anyone ever tell you – SAM!”

Sam saw the dog in the road a second too late; he swerved, but they could both feel the bump. Sam pulled over and jumped out of the car.

“It’s just a damn dog!” Lucifer shouted. Sam ignored him, running to the dog’s side. Lucifer sighed and joined him.

“Oh god, oh no,” Sam said frantically. There was a deep gash in the dog’s side, and it whimpered pathetically.

“Get a gun out of the trunk and put it out of its misery,” Lucifer said. Sam ran back to the car and opened the trunk, and Lucifer raised his eyebrows in surprise.

“Really? Sam, I’m flattered you would listen to my sage advice.”

Sam came back carrying a towel, and glared daggers at Lucifer.

“I’m not going to shoot it, you evil son of a bitch,” he said.

“That’s blasphemy,” Lucifer retorted.

Sam wrapped the dog up carefully, gathering it into his arms and murmuring “sorry, sorry,” when it whined in pain. He brought it back to the car and put it on the passenger seat.

“Hey, hey, that’s my seat,” Lucifer said. Sam got into the car and roared off.

“Or, I could take the back,” Lucifer muttered. He disappeared from the road.


“This is an animal hospital!” Sam was shouting at the nurse. “You save animals!”

“Sir,” the nurse said.

“Save this animal!”

“You’re fun when you’re coming unhinged, Sammy,” Lucifer said, leaning against a doorframe.

“Roberta, can you escort this gentleman out, please?” It was the veterinarian, who had just appeared.

“Yes,” the nurse replied.

“I did this,” Sam said miserably.

“They think you’re cuckoo,” Lucifer said, grinning. “They’re probably not wrong.”

“Come on,” the nurse said, leading Sam away.

Hours later, Sam was still sitting in the waiting room.

“This is taking a long time,” Lucifer said blandly, from the chair next to him. “I bet it’s dead.”

“Shut up,” Sam muttered. The nurse looked up, and Sam realized he’d accidentally spoken out loud.

The veterinarian came in then.

“She’s cute,” Lucifer said. “I know you’re looking. Pervert.”

“He’s sustained some serious internal bleeding,” the vet said. “There’s at least two leg fractures that I can see right now. But with some TLC, he should pull through for you.”

Sam exhaled with relief. “Thanks, Doctor.”

“You’re going to take the dog?”

“Look, I – I would. He’s not mine.”

“He’s not anybody’s.”

“I spend a lot of time on the road,” Sam said.

“Don’t you think you’re responsible?”

“Why do you think I brought him here?”

“Roberta, could you hand this man his trophy on the way out, please?” the vet said to the nurse. “Well, maybe if you were such an upstanding guy, you wouldn’t have hit him in the first place.”

“Fine,” Sam said. “I’ll take him.”

“There’s my hero.”

“Pushy lady,” Lucifer observed as they left.

“She was right about me,” Sam replied.

“You just think of that because of your comically oversized self-worth issues. Whatever. So we have a dog now. Let’s move to Provincetown and open up a bed and breakfast.”

“Are you really homophobic, or do you just think you’re funny?”

“I’m being completely serious!” Lucifer protested. “I think our relationship took a real step forward today.” He batted his eyelashes at Sam, who rolled his eyes.

“Anyway,” Lucifer continued, “I think it’ll be good for you to have a dog. Now, if you slip up and speak to me out loud again, people will just assume you’re talking to him.” He paused. “You know that means you’re going to have to name it after me, right?”

“I’m not naming a dog Lucifer.”

“Doesn’t have to be Lucifer! I’ve got lots of names. You humans are very creative. Satan? Morningstar? Father of Lies? How about just Devil? Devil would be a good name for a dog.”

Sam just shook his head, smiling a tiny bit.


“I think I should just go,” Sam said. Amelia had discovered him in her motel room, where he was fixing the garbage disposal, and had accused him of being a stalker and/or murderous drifter.

“Yeah, I think you should go,” Amelia replied.

Sam left the room.

“I think cranky lady vet likes you,” Lucifer commented.

“Shut up,” Sam replied.

“You know, you say that a lot, Sam. You should really think of a better comeback.”

“Shut up, or I’ll make you shut up,” Sam said, rubbing his thumb against the hand scar.

Lucifer sighed with a terribly put-upon air. “Sam, Sam. I thought we’d moved past the need for all that. You’re cranky too, huh? Why don’t you go back to the girl and make sweet, cranky love together? Do you both a world of good.”

“I’m going to ignore you now,” Sam said.

“Fine, but you know you’re going to be lonely again in ten minutes. When you are, turn on the TV, would you? It’s almost time for my program.”

“It really scares me that you watch Charmed reruns.”

Lucifer grinned. “What can I say? I have a soft spot for witches.”


“Hey, look,” Lucifer said, a few days later. They were returning from walking the dog. “The angry lady’s door is open.” He addressed the dog. “Go bother her! Be a cupid!”

To Sam’s surprise, the dog barked and ran towards the open door.

“No no no,” Sam said, breaking into a run. “Dog, dog, dog! How the shit did you do that?” he demanded of Lucifer.

The dog disappeared into the vet’s room.

“No, dog, don’t bother the angry lady,” Sam sighed. He knocked on her door.

“Um, hey, sorry,” he said.

“That was smooth,” Lucifer said. “You’re off to a great start!” He flashed Sam double thumbs-up and sat down on the couch next to Amelia.

“’Dog’?” Amelia said. “That’s what you’re calling him?”

“His name is Lucifer Junior,” Lucifer said.

“Uh…” Sam said.

“Seriously, Sammy, no wonder you’re always beating women off with a stick.”

Sam pressed the hand scar and tried to smile at Amelia, who was now alone on the couch with his dog.


A couple hours and quite a few drinks later, Sam and Amelia had moved to the bed. Amelia rolled Sam onto his back and straddled his hips, smirking. She threaded their fingers together and squeezed. Sam squeezed back, smiling up at her.

“It’s about time,” Lucifer said from the couch, watching with his chin resting on his hand, elbow propped on the arm of the couch. “I thought maybe you were considering taking vows of chastity. You know, minus the jerking off.”

“Go away,” Sam hissed. Amelia leaned down to kiss him.

“What’re you going to do?” Lucifer asked smugly. “She’s got your hands pinned down but good, buddy.”

“You’re not going to watch me have sex!”

“Is something wrong?” Amelia asked, pulling back a little.

“No, no,” Sam said hurriedly. He angled his face up towards hers, and she kissed him again.

“Don’t let me distract you,” Lucifer said. He started whistling “Jimmy Crack Corn.”

Go away,” Sam said vehemently. Amelia released his hands and Sam sat up to kiss her, sliding his hands around her back and quickly pressing into the scar.

“Hey – ” Lucifer started, and then there was silence in Sam’s head. Sam looked quickly at the now-empty sofa, breaking the kiss.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Amelia said, starting to climb off him. Sam grabbed her waist and held her in place.

“No, it’s not,” he said. “I’m sorry. I – thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It startled me, is all. I still want to.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “I mean, if you do, too.”

She hesitated for a moment, and then leaned down and kissed him hard, burying a hand in his hair. Sam returned the kiss eagerly.


Sam woke up in the middle of the night and got up to use the bathroom. As he washed his hands, he caught sight of Lucifer in the mirror behind him, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and looking distinctly pouty.

“That was hurtful, Sam.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “It was a personal moment, Lucifer.”

Personal moment? Are you a selfish lover?” Lucifer shook his head sadly. “Women don’t like that.”

“You’re going to have to get your kicks some other way.” Sam drank down some water.

“Yeah? And what other conceivable way would I get my kicks?” Lucifer inquired.

Sam frowned thoughtfully and put down the glass. “Huh. Well, I guess you have a point. A gross point, but…” He thought for a moment. “I mean, I guess sometime I could – I don’t know – put on some porn, or – ”

Lucifer rolled his eyes and pushed away from the wall. “Christ, Sam, I don’t want to watch you people have sex. At best, it’s farcical. At worst, it’s absolutely disgusting.”

Sam’s frown deepened. “Then why would you want to watch me – ”

“I was hoping for the best, Sam. I could use some comic relief. Sharing your life is pretty fucking depressing, you know. And, you were so busy seducing your cranky new girlfriend that I missed Charmed.”

Sam stared at him for a moment. Finally his expression cleared. “Um. Well, I can’t make any promises, but...I’ll try to make sure we catch it tomorrow.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Lucifer said derisively, but his tone somehow lacked an edge. “Go back to sleep. I don’t want you stumbling around like a zombie tomorrow. You’d probably fall and break your neck, or walk into a wall and concuss me into oblivion.”

He disappeared. Sam finished his glass of water and re-joined Amelia in the bed.


Part 2
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