Fic: Au Naturel
Nov. 9th, 2021 05:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ellerkayTitle: Au Naturel
Pairing: N/A
Characters: Sam, Dean, Castiel, male OC, surprise characters
Rating: PG-13/Teen and Up Audiences
Genre: Gen, Humor
Word Count: 3,577
Disclaimer: All for fun, none for profit.
Summary: The boys investigate signs of a haunting at a naturist resort.
Warnings/tags: Crack, Nudity, Nudism, Swearing
A/N: Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spn_reversebang. Art by the incredibly talented ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dizzojay! Thank you for the wonderful inspiration and for being a joy to work with. Huge thanks also to my beta reader, EnInkahootz! Your thoughts were invaluable.
PLEASE NOTE: There are a couple characters in this that I have not tagged because SPOILERS. They are the in a note at the end for those who don't wish to be surprised.
Art: LJ
Read on AO3
***
Across the library table in the bunker, eyes fixed on his laptop, Dean suddenly put his arms over his head and gave a loud “WOO!” of celebration. Sam looked up from his own computer and raised his eyebrows.
“What?” he asked, bemused.
“Sammy,” Dean replied, “I have found us a case.”
He turned his screen around, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Sam’s expression relaxed into the familiar bitchface as he read the headline.
“‘Occult Phenomena at Naturist Resort.’” He frowned at Dean. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Do you know what naturists are?” Dean asked gleefully. “They aren’t people who love nature – well, they are, but in all the right ways.”
“Dean, we’re not going to drive halfway across the country because you want to hang out at a nudist colony.”
“Naturist resort!” Dean corrected. “And yeah, we are.” He tapped his screen. “Occult phenomena! That’s like our whole thing. And it’s a seaside resort in California.” He beamed at Sam. “Sun and surf and naked people and the chance to gank a ghost or two. Who could ask for a better vacation?”
Sam heaved a sigh. “Okay, first off, you know that naturists are all about non-sexual nudity, right? It’s not going to be some kind of sex fest. Also, it’s not going to be just beautiful people walking around for you to gawk at. It’s all types of people, which will include plenty who aren’t your cup of tea.”
“So what?” Dean said, affronted. “I don’t care. Don’t be such a prude, Sam.”
Sam glared at him.
“Read the article,” Dean urged, shoving his laptop across the table.
With a sigh, Sam did so. Within a moment his brow furrowed.
“Huh,” he said slowly. “Well…I guess this actually could be legit. Cold spots, strange sounds, people say their flashlights stop working when they get to a certain area in the woods on the property…”
“Exactly,” Dean said triumphantly.
“No deaths, though.”
“No deaths yet,” Dean replied. “And it’ll stay that way.” He stood up. “Pack your bags, Sammy. We’re off to sunny California to save some naked hippies.”
“You know that not everyone in California is a hippie –” Sam started to say as he got to his feet.
“Dude, shut up. Stop ruining the moment.”
***
Dean fitted the key into the lock of the little cabin they’d rented at the resort. He and Sam walked in with their bags. The sun was nearly down and the cabin was filled with shadows. Sam felt along the wall by the door and clicked the light on.
Castiel was sitting on one of the beds.
“What the fuck?!” Dean yelped, jumping a mile. Behind him, Sam started and he reached automatically for the gun tucked into his waistband before he realized who it was. He shut the door behind them.
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said. “Sam.”
Dean had his hand pressed to his chest. “Dude, what the hell?” he said. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“I’m sorry,” Castiel replied. “I arrived early. I didn’t think you would mind if I let myself in.”
“And you decided to just sit here in the dark?!” Dean asked.
“It was very peaceful. I was listening to the trees outside.”
“Hey, Cas,” Sam said. It was obvious from his tone that he was struggling not to laugh. Dean glared at him.
“He surprised you, too,” he said.
Sam shrugged. “He did, but somehow I’ve managed to get over it.”
Dean grumbled wordlessly as he threw down his duffel bag. He looked back at Castiel and did a double take. “Cas...what the fuck are you wearing?”
Castiel looked down at himself. “My trench coat.”
Sam started laughing as he caught sight of Castiel’s bare legs.
“Your trench coat and what else?” Dean demanded.
“Nothing,” Castiel replied, tilting his head at Dean. “I was given to understand this is a place for nudity.” He frowned as he looked the Winchesters up and down. “You two seem to be swathed in your usual, excessive number of layers.”
Sam laughed harder as Dean gaped at Castiel. “Excessive?!” he shouted. “We – wait, no, you’re not sidetracking me. If you knew this was a naked place, why are you still wearing your trench coat?”
“Do you wish he wasn’t in the coat?” Sam asked innocently, sotto voce. Dean shot him a death look, but Sam only smirked.
“I like my trench coat,” Castiel said defensively, clutching at the sleeves.
“YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN FLASHER,” Dean said.
Castiel did his puzzled head-tilt again. “A flasher?”
“Uh, it’s someone who stalks the streets and exposes their genitalia to passersby,” Sam explained. “It’s…a sex crime, really. It’s pretty gross.”
Castiel frowned and rose from the bed. “Well, I do not want to be like a flasher,” he said, and began unbuttoning his coat.
“Wait, no,” Dean started, “you don’t have to –”
But Castiel had already shrugged out of the coat. He let it fall onto the bed behind him and stood naked in front of Sam and Dean, completely unself-conscious.
The Winchesters stared.
“Holy shit,” Dean said after a frozen moment.
Sam cleared his throat. “Well.” He gestured involuntarily, as if he was going to continue, but then fell silent.
“Is…something wrong?” Castiel asked uncertainly.
“No,” Sam said, too quickly.
“It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple!” Dean muttered, aiming the comment back in Sam’s direction but unable to tear his eyes from the sight in front of him.
“I do not understand your metaphor,” Castiel said.
Sam cleared his throat again. Then he cleared it for the third time. “Uh, Cas, what Dean’s trying to say is, um, your penis is –”
“You have a huge schlong!” Dean burst out suddenly.
Castiel peered down at his groin. “Do I?” he asked curiously. “Interesting.”
“’Interesting’?” Dean repeated incredulously.
“Cas,” Sam said, deciding it was time that someone got a hold of this situation, “how about we all wear clothes when we’re in the cabin?”
Castiel blinked at him. “I didn’t bring any other clothes.”
“Then you can wear your trench coat.”
“I do not want to look like a flasher.”
Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Then we can loan you some clothes.”
Castiel nodded. Sam and Dean moved to start unpacking their bags.
“Thank fuck,” Dean muttered. “I wasn’t going to get anything done with that thing out and about.”
***
The next morning, the three of them made their way to the mess hall. It was a nice day, and the air was pleasant on their skin. Sam held himself stiffly at first, feeling uncomfortable, but no one they passed batted an eye at their nudity. He started to relax as they walked.
Dean was in high spirits from the get-go. He flashed huge grins at everyone they met and greeted them with a friendly word and an enthusiastic wave, receiving smiles and hellos in response; his joy, as ever, was infectious.
Because it was such a nice day, breakfast had been set up outside by a number of picnic tables. There was a buffet with steamer trays full of food. As they’d discussed, Sam, Dean, and Cas split up and started chatting with the naturists, fishing for information about the strange occurrences. Sam and Dean got in line for food, while Castiel started wandering around the tables.
“Have you experienced any extranormal events?” he demanded of the first person he encountered.
Sam glanced over his shoulder with a frown. “One of us really should have gone with him.”
Dean snorted. “No shit. But he just had to be stubborn about it.” They’d had this discussion before they left their cabin. Castiel had been insistent, bordering on truculent, reminding them repeatedly that he didn’t eat until they finally agreed to let him start questioning people without them.
Dean struck up a conversation with the couple in front of them while Sam turned to chat with the man behind them. They’d all heard about the bizarre phenomena at their resort, but none of them had experienced it or knew anyone who had.
When Sam and Dean had gotten coffee and loaded up their plates with food, they saw Castiel waving frantically at them from one of the picnic tables. They made their way over to him.
Cas was standing next to a solidly built, ruggedly handsome middle-aged man. The man was seated at a table, enjoying the last few bites that remained of his breakfast. He seemed completely unperturbed by the fact that Castiel’s member swung nearer to him with every movement of Castiel’s arm. Luckily, there was no actual contact.
“We see you, Cas,” Dean called as they approached. Cas finally stopped waving.
“These are my friends,” he said to the man at the table. “Sam. Dean. This is Tom.” He looked intensely at the man. “Tell them exactly what you told me.”
“Howdy,” Tom said affably, with a slight Southern drawl. “Have a seat.”
“Morning!” Dean said. Sam echoed the greeting as they sat down across from Tom.
“You too – Cas?” Tom said to Castiel.
“It’s Castiel.”
Tom nodded thoughtfully as he chewed a bite and swallowed. “That’s a bit of a mouthful. Is Cas all right?”
“It’s fine.” Castiel seated himself next to Tom. “That’s what they call me. Three syllables seem to be a lot for humans.”
“People,” Sam said quickly, shooting Castiel a look. “He means, for people.” Cas frowned at him for a moment, then nodded slowly and tapped the side of his nose. Sam stifled a snort as Dean rolled his eyes.
“Cas says you three are interested in the spooky stuff that’s been going on round here,” Tom said contemplatively. “You’re, uh, hobbyists?”
“Yeah.” Sam smiled at him. It was the story they’d agreed upon. “We’re naturists, of course, but we have an interest in ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. When we heard about this place, we had to make a trip.”
Tom nodded. “You’re pretty pale for naturists,” he said casually.
“Yeah, well, we haven’t gotten to a resort in a while,” Dean put in.
Tom nodded again. His expression had remained relaxed.
“Would you mind telling us what happened to you?” Sam asked.
“Yes, tell them,” Castiel urged.
“Well, now,” Tom said, “it was mighty strange.” He put down his fork and picked up his coffee, unhurried. “I was taking a late-night stroll in the woods, when an odd feeling came over me. All the hairs on my body stood on end – and not just because the temperature seemed to have dropped out of nowhere. It was a real unsettled feeling, if you get what I mean.” He sipped his coffee. “Then my flashlight started flickering. At first, I cursed myself for a fool, but then I remembered I’d just put fresh batteries in it earlier in the week. It’d been working fine, but all of a sudden, it went out. And then –” He paused for dramatic effect. “I started to hear an eerie moaning sound. Never heard nothing like that before in my life.”
“What did you do?” Dean asked, attempting to sound blasé, but he was drawn in despite himself. Tom was a good storyteller.
Tom laughed. “Well, I turned around and hightailed it out of those woods as fast as my legs could carry me! I wasn’t going to stick around and see whether it was my imagination or not. I’ll leave that to you boys.” He winked at them and took another drink of coffee. When he spoke again, his voice had returned to a more serious tone. “I’ll tell you something, though. As soon as I was a ways away, my flashlight turned itself on again. Haven’t had a problem with it since.”
Sam nodded thoughtfully. “Have you heard of anyone else having similar experiences?”
“There’s a few,” Tom said. “But most of ‘em don’t like to talk about it. I think they’re afraid to look silly.” His face cracked into a wide grin. “I don’t mind that so much. I can admit to being an old fool. But I know what I heard.”
Dean couldn’t help grinning back at him. “Well, we believe you,” he said. “Thanks for talking to us. And, uh, it’s probably a good idea to discourage people from going into that part of the woods at night.”
Tom nodded as he rose from the table. “I’ll do my best,” he said. “You boys have a good day, now.”
***
Sam, Dean, and Castiel didn’t find anyone else that morning with an experience like Tom’s, or at least no one who was willing to admit it. Still, they agreed it was worth looking into. That afternoon, when most of the resort was going to lunch, they headed into the woods, Sam in the lead.
“Not a lot of ghosts around in the day, usually,” Dean said as they walked along.
“I know that,” Sam said, “but I still think we should take a look around while the sun’s out. We might see something. And it’ll give us a sense of the terrain for when we come back tonight.”
“They’re making burgers for lunch,” Dean grumbled.
Sam sighed and rolled his eyes.
Castiel was looking intently into the woods. “There is a hive nearby.”
Dean groaned. “Stay away from the bees,” he said. “I’ve had enough of you naked and covered in bees for one lifetime, thank you very much.”
Sam huffed out a laugh. Then he froze, standing stock-still in the middle of the path. He’d stopped so suddenly that Dean walked into him, immediately reeling back and knocking into Cas.
“Dude, what the hell?” Dean demanded.
“Do you feel that?” Sam said, shivering. He walked forward a few steps and motioned for the others to follow him. The second Dean moved forward, he felt the cold.
“Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing his arms. “Listen, ghosts or whatever, this is really a dick move at a nudist colony, all right?”
An eerie wailing noise started up. Sam and Dean frowned at each other.
“Is it me, or does that sound…kind of fake?” Sam asked.
“Really fake,” Dean agreed. “Like, Halloween sound effects cassette fake.”
“I don’t sense any malevolent spirit nearby,” Castiel put in. “But there is a strange energy. Some kind of magic.”
Without a word, Sam and Dean drew their guns out of the packs they carried. The three of them walked on. With each step, the wailing grew louder and the uncanny feeling increased, growing almost overwhelming. They pressed on through the discomfort, trading uneasy looks. Castiel’s angel blade had appeared in his hand. His knuckles were white as he gripped it. Sam’s and Dean’s knuckles were just as white as they clutched their guns. All three of them were seconds away from suggesting they get out of there now and go back to the cabin to research and regroup, when they reached a clearing in the woods. And stopped.
The second they’d stepped into the clearing, the sounds faded away, the air warmed, and the creepy feeling vanished. Also, there were two familiar and quite naked figures stretched out on lounge chairs on opposite ends of the clearing.
“Oh my fucking god,” Dean said. His voice was barely above a whisper, but he raised it to a near shout with his next words. “Crowley! Rowena! What the actual fuck?”
Two heads raised simultaneously; two pairs of sunglasses were lowered.
“Hello, boys,” Crowley said, and put his head back again.
“Well, hello there,” Rowena purred, eyes roving over the three of them. Sam and Dean immediately shifted their packs to hold in front of their groins. Castiel didn’t bother. Rowena’s eyes widened as she looked at him.
“Hello, indeed,” she breathed.
“All right, all right,” Dean snapped, recovering himself slightly. He kept his eyes resolutely on Rowena’s face. “One of you want to tell us what’s going on here?”
“Not particularly,” Crowley said. Dean looked over at him automatically and then clamped a hand over his eyes.
“This is so much more information than I ever needed,” he growled.
“Is it?” Rowena lay back again, moving slightly as though making herself comfortable once more. “What a shame.”
Dean peeked between his fingers. He dropped his hand and elbowed Sam, unable to keep a grin off his face. “Dude –” he started in a low voice.
“Dean, if I hear the word ‘carpet’ or ‘drapes’ come out of your mouth, I will shoot you in the foot and leave you with them,” Sam hissed through clenched teeth. He raised his voice, addressing Crowley and Rowena. “Seriously, what’s going on? It feels like ghosts out there.”
“Oh, that’s just a small spell of mine,” Rowena said lazily. She picked up a bright blue iced drink from a little table next to her lounge chair and sipped it daintily. “A little something to keep the nudists away. We like their naked philosophy, but they’re not quite as – enthusiastic about sex as we’d like. So, we can’t have them wandering into tonight’s orgy.”
“Orgy?!” Dean spluttered.
“Party slash orgy,” Crowley said from the other side of the clearing. “We’ll ease into things, I expect. Not that there’s anything wrong with going straight into the sex, but the anticipation is part of the fun, don’t you find?”
Dean was shaking his head vehemently. “Stop talking, I’m begging you,” he said.
“I thought you wanted an explanation,” Crowley replied, smirking.
Dean gestured at the two of them. “You’re – you’re – that’s your mom!”
“Och, don’t be so bloody Puritanical,” Rowena said. “We’re perfectly capable of having sex in the same general area and not having it with each other.” She looked at Crowley. “Honestly, why are Americans so repressed?”
“Mystery for the ages,” Crowley said, sipping his own drink, which was full of fruit and decorated with a little umbrella.
“So, the spell is just to discourage people from making it to this clearing,” Sam said.
“That’s right,” Rowena confirmed. “Our guests have been provided with a talisman which stops the spell from acting upon them.”
“Why not just have your – party – somewhere more remote, where no one’s going to stumble in?” Sam asked.
“This spot is a perfect convergence of ley lines for an orgy! Between that and the full moon tonight, the energies are going to be very intense,” Rowena said. She grinned at them. “You three should join us.” Leering at Castiel, she added, “Especially you, tweetie-pie.”
“Okay,” Dean announced. “We’re leaving.” He turned, but stopped at the sound of a new voice.
“I think it’s about time we started setting up, don’t ya’ll?” The cheerful drawl came from Tom, who had just walked into the clearing from a different path than the Winchesters and Castiel had used. They stared at him. He gave them a wave.
“Howdy, boys,” he said. He’d emerged near Crowley, and leaned down to give him a peck on the lips.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dean deadpanned.
“Oh, yes,” Crowley said, raising his sunglasses and affecting an innocent tone. “Tom did text us and mention that he’d met you. It completely slipped my mind.”
“You knew we were here and you let us walk through that fucking spell and find you like this?” Dean said indignantly.
“He’s your friend?!” Sam asked at the same time.
Crowley gestured to himself. “I thought you deserved a treat.”
Dean groaned.
“And yes, of course Tom’s our friend,” Rowena said. “He’s a talented warlock and a great deal of fun at these parties. He agreed to help us discourage the naturalists.” Tom had ambled over to her and she accepted his brief kiss with a smile.
“Sorry for the deception, boys,” Tom said, also smiling. “I had you pegged for hunters right away, but I didn’t realize you were friendly ones, or I would have warned you.”
Sam sighed. “All right,” he said with a resigned air. He fixed Crowley and Rowena with a stern look. “You swear you’re not hurting anyone?”
“Not unless they ask nicely,” Crowley replied.
“Fine. Let’s go.” Sam turned and started walking away down the path.
“Enjoy your sexual exploration,” Castiel said politely, and followed Sam.
Dean stayed in the clearing for a long moment. “What time are you starting this crap?” he asked. “I just want to make sure I don’t mistake freaky party sounds for something evil going down.”
“Not to worry, darling, we’ve set up spells to suppress the noise,” Rowena said, watching him closely.
“Oh.” Dean nodded. “Right. Well, see you.” He turned to go.
“Just one moment,” Rowena sang out. When he turned back, she tossed a small, ancient-looking coin at him. He caught it reflexively. “One of the talismans.”
“What the hell would I need this for?” Dean demanded, his eyes a little too wide.
“Well, it’ll be a more comfortable walk home for the three of you with one, don’t you think?”
“Oh.” Dean blinked. “Right. Thanks.” He turned to go again, but Rowena called him back again.
“Dean!” Dean faced her, frowning. Rowena smirked at him. “The party starts at ten.”
“Not that you’ll need to know that,” Crowley put in.
“No; of course he won’t,” Rowena agreed. “But all information is worth having.” She winked at Dean.
Dean blinked again and started to say something, but it came out as nothing but a strangled noise. Ears burning, he set off down the path after Sam and Castiel. The sound of Rowena, Crowley, and Tom’s relaxed laughter followed him.
***
A/N: Crowley and Rowena are the surprise characters in this fic.
Pairing: N/A
Characters: Sam, Dean, Castiel, male OC, surprise characters
Rating: PG-13/Teen and Up Audiences
Genre: Gen, Humor
Word Count: 3,577
Disclaimer: All for fun, none for profit.
Summary: The boys investigate signs of a haunting at a naturist resort.
Warnings/tags: Crack, Nudity, Nudism, Swearing
A/N: Written for the
spn_reversebang. Art by the incredibly talented dizzojay! Thank you for the wonderful inspiration and for being a joy to work with. Huge thanks also to my beta reader, EnInkahootz! Your thoughts were invaluable.PLEASE NOTE: There are a couple characters in this that I have not tagged because SPOILERS. They are the in a note at the end for those who don't wish to be surprised.
Art: LJ
Read on AO3
***
Across the library table in the bunker, eyes fixed on his laptop, Dean suddenly put his arms over his head and gave a loud “WOO!” of celebration. Sam looked up from his own computer and raised his eyebrows.
“What?” he asked, bemused.
“Sammy,” Dean replied, “I have found us a case.”
He turned his screen around, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Sam’s expression relaxed into the familiar bitchface as he read the headline.
“‘Occult Phenomena at Naturist Resort.’” He frowned at Dean. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“Do you know what naturists are?” Dean asked gleefully. “They aren’t people who love nature – well, they are, but in all the right ways.”
“Dean, we’re not going to drive halfway across the country because you want to hang out at a nudist colony.”
“Naturist resort!” Dean corrected. “And yeah, we are.” He tapped his screen. “Occult phenomena! That’s like our whole thing. And it’s a seaside resort in California.” He beamed at Sam. “Sun and surf and naked people and the chance to gank a ghost or two. Who could ask for a better vacation?”
Sam heaved a sigh. “Okay, first off, you know that naturists are all about non-sexual nudity, right? It’s not going to be some kind of sex fest. Also, it’s not going to be just beautiful people walking around for you to gawk at. It’s all types of people, which will include plenty who aren’t your cup of tea.”
“So what?” Dean said, affronted. “I don’t care. Don’t be such a prude, Sam.”
Sam glared at him.
“Read the article,” Dean urged, shoving his laptop across the table.
With a sigh, Sam did so. Within a moment his brow furrowed.
“Huh,” he said slowly. “Well…I guess this actually could be legit. Cold spots, strange sounds, people say their flashlights stop working when they get to a certain area in the woods on the property…”
“Exactly,” Dean said triumphantly.
“No deaths, though.”
“No deaths yet,” Dean replied. “And it’ll stay that way.” He stood up. “Pack your bags, Sammy. We’re off to sunny California to save some naked hippies.”
“You know that not everyone in California is a hippie –” Sam started to say as he got to his feet.
“Dude, shut up. Stop ruining the moment.”
***
Dean fitted the key into the lock of the little cabin they’d rented at the resort. He and Sam walked in with their bags. The sun was nearly down and the cabin was filled with shadows. Sam felt along the wall by the door and clicked the light on.
Castiel was sitting on one of the beds.
“What the fuck?!” Dean yelped, jumping a mile. Behind him, Sam started and he reached automatically for the gun tucked into his waistband before he realized who it was. He shut the door behind them.
“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said. “Sam.”
Dean had his hand pressed to his chest. “Dude, what the hell?” he said. “You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“I’m sorry,” Castiel replied. “I arrived early. I didn’t think you would mind if I let myself in.”
“And you decided to just sit here in the dark?!” Dean asked.
“It was very peaceful. I was listening to the trees outside.”
“Hey, Cas,” Sam said. It was obvious from his tone that he was struggling not to laugh. Dean glared at him.
“He surprised you, too,” he said.
Sam shrugged. “He did, but somehow I’ve managed to get over it.”
Dean grumbled wordlessly as he threw down his duffel bag. He looked back at Castiel and did a double take. “Cas...what the fuck are you wearing?”
Castiel looked down at himself. “My trench coat.”
Sam started laughing as he caught sight of Castiel’s bare legs.
“Your trench coat and what else?” Dean demanded.
“Nothing,” Castiel replied, tilting his head at Dean. “I was given to understand this is a place for nudity.” He frowned as he looked the Winchesters up and down. “You two seem to be swathed in your usual, excessive number of layers.”
Sam laughed harder as Dean gaped at Castiel. “Excessive?!” he shouted. “We – wait, no, you’re not sidetracking me. If you knew this was a naked place, why are you still wearing your trench coat?”
“Do you wish he wasn’t in the coat?” Sam asked innocently, sotto voce. Dean shot him a death look, but Sam only smirked.
“I like my trench coat,” Castiel said defensively, clutching at the sleeves.
“YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN FLASHER,” Dean said.
Castiel did his puzzled head-tilt again. “A flasher?”
“Uh, it’s someone who stalks the streets and exposes their genitalia to passersby,” Sam explained. “It’s…a sex crime, really. It’s pretty gross.”
Castiel frowned and rose from the bed. “Well, I do not want to be like a flasher,” he said, and began unbuttoning his coat.
“Wait, no,” Dean started, “you don’t have to –”
But Castiel had already shrugged out of the coat. He let it fall onto the bed behind him and stood naked in front of Sam and Dean, completely unself-conscious.
The Winchesters stared.
“Holy shit,” Dean said after a frozen moment.
Sam cleared his throat. “Well.” He gestured involuntarily, as if he was going to continue, but then fell silent.
“Is…something wrong?” Castiel asked uncertainly.
“No,” Sam said, too quickly.
“It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple!” Dean muttered, aiming the comment back in Sam’s direction but unable to tear his eyes from the sight in front of him.
“I do not understand your metaphor,” Castiel said.
Sam cleared his throat again. Then he cleared it for the third time. “Uh, Cas, what Dean’s trying to say is, um, your penis is –”
“You have a huge schlong!” Dean burst out suddenly.
Castiel peered down at his groin. “Do I?” he asked curiously. “Interesting.”
“’Interesting’?” Dean repeated incredulously.
“Cas,” Sam said, deciding it was time that someone got a hold of this situation, “how about we all wear clothes when we’re in the cabin?”
Castiel blinked at him. “I didn’t bring any other clothes.”
“Then you can wear your trench coat.”
“I do not want to look like a flasher.”
Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Then we can loan you some clothes.”
Castiel nodded. Sam and Dean moved to start unpacking their bags.
“Thank fuck,” Dean muttered. “I wasn’t going to get anything done with that thing out and about.”
***
The next morning, the three of them made their way to the mess hall. It was a nice day, and the air was pleasant on their skin. Sam held himself stiffly at first, feeling uncomfortable, but no one they passed batted an eye at their nudity. He started to relax as they walked.
Dean was in high spirits from the get-go. He flashed huge grins at everyone they met and greeted them with a friendly word and an enthusiastic wave, receiving smiles and hellos in response; his joy, as ever, was infectious.
Because it was such a nice day, breakfast had been set up outside by a number of picnic tables. There was a buffet with steamer trays full of food. As they’d discussed, Sam, Dean, and Cas split up and started chatting with the naturists, fishing for information about the strange occurrences. Sam and Dean got in line for food, while Castiel started wandering around the tables.
“Have you experienced any extranormal events?” he demanded of the first person he encountered.
Sam glanced over his shoulder with a frown. “One of us really should have gone with him.”
Dean snorted. “No shit. But he just had to be stubborn about it.” They’d had this discussion before they left their cabin. Castiel had been insistent, bordering on truculent, reminding them repeatedly that he didn’t eat until they finally agreed to let him start questioning people without them.
Dean struck up a conversation with the couple in front of them while Sam turned to chat with the man behind them. They’d all heard about the bizarre phenomena at their resort, but none of them had experienced it or knew anyone who had.
When Sam and Dean had gotten coffee and loaded up their plates with food, they saw Castiel waving frantically at them from one of the picnic tables. They made their way over to him.
Cas was standing next to a solidly built, ruggedly handsome middle-aged man. The man was seated at a table, enjoying the last few bites that remained of his breakfast. He seemed completely unperturbed by the fact that Castiel’s member swung nearer to him with every movement of Castiel’s arm. Luckily, there was no actual contact.
“We see you, Cas,” Dean called as they approached. Cas finally stopped waving.
“These are my friends,” he said to the man at the table. “Sam. Dean. This is Tom.” He looked intensely at the man. “Tell them exactly what you told me.”
“Howdy,” Tom said affably, with a slight Southern drawl. “Have a seat.”
“Morning!” Dean said. Sam echoed the greeting as they sat down across from Tom.
“You too – Cas?” Tom said to Castiel.
“It’s Castiel.”
Tom nodded thoughtfully as he chewed a bite and swallowed. “That’s a bit of a mouthful. Is Cas all right?”
“It’s fine.” Castiel seated himself next to Tom. “That’s what they call me. Three syllables seem to be a lot for humans.”
“People,” Sam said quickly, shooting Castiel a look. “He means, for people.” Cas frowned at him for a moment, then nodded slowly and tapped the side of his nose. Sam stifled a snort as Dean rolled his eyes.
“Cas says you three are interested in the spooky stuff that’s been going on round here,” Tom said contemplatively. “You’re, uh, hobbyists?”
“Yeah.” Sam smiled at him. It was the story they’d agreed upon. “We’re naturists, of course, but we have an interest in ghosts and other paranormal phenomena. When we heard about this place, we had to make a trip.”
Tom nodded. “You’re pretty pale for naturists,” he said casually.
“Yeah, well, we haven’t gotten to a resort in a while,” Dean put in.
Tom nodded again. His expression had remained relaxed.
“Would you mind telling us what happened to you?” Sam asked.
“Yes, tell them,” Castiel urged.
“Well, now,” Tom said, “it was mighty strange.” He put down his fork and picked up his coffee, unhurried. “I was taking a late-night stroll in the woods, when an odd feeling came over me. All the hairs on my body stood on end – and not just because the temperature seemed to have dropped out of nowhere. It was a real unsettled feeling, if you get what I mean.” He sipped his coffee. “Then my flashlight started flickering. At first, I cursed myself for a fool, but then I remembered I’d just put fresh batteries in it earlier in the week. It’d been working fine, but all of a sudden, it went out. And then –” He paused for dramatic effect. “I started to hear an eerie moaning sound. Never heard nothing like that before in my life.”
“What did you do?” Dean asked, attempting to sound blasé, but he was drawn in despite himself. Tom was a good storyteller.
Tom laughed. “Well, I turned around and hightailed it out of those woods as fast as my legs could carry me! I wasn’t going to stick around and see whether it was my imagination or not. I’ll leave that to you boys.” He winked at them and took another drink of coffee. When he spoke again, his voice had returned to a more serious tone. “I’ll tell you something, though. As soon as I was a ways away, my flashlight turned itself on again. Haven’t had a problem with it since.”
Sam nodded thoughtfully. “Have you heard of anyone else having similar experiences?”
“There’s a few,” Tom said. “But most of ‘em don’t like to talk about it. I think they’re afraid to look silly.” His face cracked into a wide grin. “I don’t mind that so much. I can admit to being an old fool. But I know what I heard.”
Dean couldn’t help grinning back at him. “Well, we believe you,” he said. “Thanks for talking to us. And, uh, it’s probably a good idea to discourage people from going into that part of the woods at night.”
Tom nodded as he rose from the table. “I’ll do my best,” he said. “You boys have a good day, now.”
***
Sam, Dean, and Castiel didn’t find anyone else that morning with an experience like Tom’s, or at least no one who was willing to admit it. Still, they agreed it was worth looking into. That afternoon, when most of the resort was going to lunch, they headed into the woods, Sam in the lead.
“Not a lot of ghosts around in the day, usually,” Dean said as they walked along.
“I know that,” Sam said, “but I still think we should take a look around while the sun’s out. We might see something. And it’ll give us a sense of the terrain for when we come back tonight.”
“They’re making burgers for lunch,” Dean grumbled.
Sam sighed and rolled his eyes.
Castiel was looking intently into the woods. “There is a hive nearby.”
Dean groaned. “Stay away from the bees,” he said. “I’ve had enough of you naked and covered in bees for one lifetime, thank you very much.”
Sam huffed out a laugh. Then he froze, standing stock-still in the middle of the path. He’d stopped so suddenly that Dean walked into him, immediately reeling back and knocking into Cas.
“Dude, what the hell?” Dean demanded.
“Do you feel that?” Sam said, shivering. He walked forward a few steps and motioned for the others to follow him. The second Dean moved forward, he felt the cold.
“Fuck,” he muttered, rubbing his arms. “Listen, ghosts or whatever, this is really a dick move at a nudist colony, all right?”
An eerie wailing noise started up. Sam and Dean frowned at each other.
“Is it me, or does that sound…kind of fake?” Sam asked.
“Really fake,” Dean agreed. “Like, Halloween sound effects cassette fake.”
“I don’t sense any malevolent spirit nearby,” Castiel put in. “But there is a strange energy. Some kind of magic.”
Without a word, Sam and Dean drew their guns out of the packs they carried. The three of them walked on. With each step, the wailing grew louder and the uncanny feeling increased, growing almost overwhelming. They pressed on through the discomfort, trading uneasy looks. Castiel’s angel blade had appeared in his hand. His knuckles were white as he gripped it. Sam’s and Dean’s knuckles were just as white as they clutched their guns. All three of them were seconds away from suggesting they get out of there now and go back to the cabin to research and regroup, when they reached a clearing in the woods. And stopped.
The second they’d stepped into the clearing, the sounds faded away, the air warmed, and the creepy feeling vanished. Also, there were two familiar and quite naked figures stretched out on lounge chairs on opposite ends of the clearing.
“Oh my fucking god,” Dean said. His voice was barely above a whisper, but he raised it to a near shout with his next words. “Crowley! Rowena! What the actual fuck?”
Two heads raised simultaneously; two pairs of sunglasses were lowered.
“Hello, boys,” Crowley said, and put his head back again.
“Well, hello there,” Rowena purred, eyes roving over the three of them. Sam and Dean immediately shifted their packs to hold in front of their groins. Castiel didn’t bother. Rowena’s eyes widened as she looked at him.
“Hello, indeed,” she breathed.
“All right, all right,” Dean snapped, recovering himself slightly. He kept his eyes resolutely on Rowena’s face. “One of you want to tell us what’s going on here?”
“Not particularly,” Crowley said. Dean looked over at him automatically and then clamped a hand over his eyes.
“This is so much more information than I ever needed,” he growled.
“Is it?” Rowena lay back again, moving slightly as though making herself comfortable once more. “What a shame.”
Dean peeked between his fingers. He dropped his hand and elbowed Sam, unable to keep a grin off his face. “Dude –” he started in a low voice.
“Dean, if I hear the word ‘carpet’ or ‘drapes’ come out of your mouth, I will shoot you in the foot and leave you with them,” Sam hissed through clenched teeth. He raised his voice, addressing Crowley and Rowena. “Seriously, what’s going on? It feels like ghosts out there.”
“Oh, that’s just a small spell of mine,” Rowena said lazily. She picked up a bright blue iced drink from a little table next to her lounge chair and sipped it daintily. “A little something to keep the nudists away. We like their naked philosophy, but they’re not quite as – enthusiastic about sex as we’d like. So, we can’t have them wandering into tonight’s orgy.”
“Orgy?!” Dean spluttered.
“Party slash orgy,” Crowley said from the other side of the clearing. “We’ll ease into things, I expect. Not that there’s anything wrong with going straight into the sex, but the anticipation is part of the fun, don’t you find?”
Dean was shaking his head vehemently. “Stop talking, I’m begging you,” he said.
“I thought you wanted an explanation,” Crowley replied, smirking.
Dean gestured at the two of them. “You’re – you’re – that’s your mom!”
“Och, don’t be so bloody Puritanical,” Rowena said. “We’re perfectly capable of having sex in the same general area and not having it with each other.” She looked at Crowley. “Honestly, why are Americans so repressed?”
“Mystery for the ages,” Crowley said, sipping his own drink, which was full of fruit and decorated with a little umbrella.
“So, the spell is just to discourage people from making it to this clearing,” Sam said.
“That’s right,” Rowena confirmed. “Our guests have been provided with a talisman which stops the spell from acting upon them.”
“Why not just have your – party – somewhere more remote, where no one’s going to stumble in?” Sam asked.
“This spot is a perfect convergence of ley lines for an orgy! Between that and the full moon tonight, the energies are going to be very intense,” Rowena said. She grinned at them. “You three should join us.” Leering at Castiel, she added, “Especially you, tweetie-pie.”
“Okay,” Dean announced. “We’re leaving.” He turned, but stopped at the sound of a new voice.
“I think it’s about time we started setting up, don’t ya’ll?” The cheerful drawl came from Tom, who had just walked into the clearing from a different path than the Winchesters and Castiel had used. They stared at him. He gave them a wave.
“Howdy, boys,” he said. He’d emerged near Crowley, and leaned down to give him a peck on the lips.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Dean deadpanned.
“Oh, yes,” Crowley said, raising his sunglasses and affecting an innocent tone. “Tom did text us and mention that he’d met you. It completely slipped my mind.”
“You knew we were here and you let us walk through that fucking spell and find you like this?” Dean said indignantly.
“He’s your friend?!” Sam asked at the same time.
Crowley gestured to himself. “I thought you deserved a treat.”
Dean groaned.
“And yes, of course Tom’s our friend,” Rowena said. “He’s a talented warlock and a great deal of fun at these parties. He agreed to help us discourage the naturalists.” Tom had ambled over to her and she accepted his brief kiss with a smile.
“Sorry for the deception, boys,” Tom said, also smiling. “I had you pegged for hunters right away, but I didn’t realize you were friendly ones, or I would have warned you.”
Sam sighed. “All right,” he said with a resigned air. He fixed Crowley and Rowena with a stern look. “You swear you’re not hurting anyone?”
“Not unless they ask nicely,” Crowley replied.
“Fine. Let’s go.” Sam turned and started walking away down the path.
“Enjoy your sexual exploration,” Castiel said politely, and followed Sam.
Dean stayed in the clearing for a long moment. “What time are you starting this crap?” he asked. “I just want to make sure I don’t mistake freaky party sounds for something evil going down.”
“Not to worry, darling, we’ve set up spells to suppress the noise,” Rowena said, watching him closely.
“Oh.” Dean nodded. “Right. Well, see you.” He turned to go.
“Just one moment,” Rowena sang out. When he turned back, she tossed a small, ancient-looking coin at him. He caught it reflexively. “One of the talismans.”
“What the hell would I need this for?” Dean demanded, his eyes a little too wide.
“Well, it’ll be a more comfortable walk home for the three of you with one, don’t you think?”
“Oh.” Dean blinked. “Right. Thanks.” He turned to go again, but Rowena called him back again.
“Dean!” Dean faced her, frowning. Rowena smirked at him. “The party starts at ten.”
“Not that you’ll need to know that,” Crowley put in.
“No; of course he won’t,” Rowena agreed. “But all information is worth having.” She winked at Dean.
Dean blinked again and started to say something, but it came out as nothing but a strangled noise. Ears burning, he set off down the path after Sam and Castiel. The sound of Rowena, Crowley, and Tom’s relaxed laughter followed him.
***
A/N: Crowley and Rowena are the surprise characters in this fic.
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Date: 2021-11-12 03:10 am (UTC)I wonder if Dean went back.... or if he stayed up all night thinking about it... :D
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Date: 2021-11-12 02:08 pm (UTC)